What else? The diet is underway.
When I start “the diet” as I’ve done many times over the course of my lifetime, it is always with a goal and intent.
This time, my desire to look better is outweighed by the medical community and their threats of diabetes looming down the road. Do they do this to every non-skinny person around my age?
At any rate, it took a lot to get me into “the zone” mentally this time. When I’m in “the zone” I have a steel will. Try to get me to eat dessert at great personal risk – because I will hurt you!
This time, it’s harder than it’s ever been. Because I’m older and have additional medical issues that make losing weight an ever increasing challenge. It used to be easy – relatively speaking. It hasn’t been for a few years now. What I mean by ‘not easy’ is I’m not sure I’ll succeed. One could argue that I’ve never been sure of success in the past – at least not until I reached my goal – which wasn’t all the time, there were times when I quit out of frustration. There’s some truth to that.
This time I am determined. I am determined to surpass my medical goal and possibly even surpass my personal goal. I’ve got a great start – I’m down over ten pounds already. My next major hurdle is taking a long time – and it’s one I’ve never knowingly succeeded in overcoming.
The pressure is on. I am religiously following my diet. It’s taking forever.
I keep hearing “well, that happens,” “you’re just at a plateau,” “just wait, you’ll see.” All very nice – but none of these comments give me the assurance I seek. And my patience is shot!
Over the past two weeks I’ve lost somewhere between 1.5 – 2.8 pounds (I thought it was 2.8 until I got on the scale this morning – dammit). It’s just sooooo slow! And going backwards just sucks!!!!
Then there’s this major kidding myself thing. Right now I’m telling myself I’ll get way down and monitor carefully so I stay there. It seems to be working for Marie Osmond – but not so much for me. At least it never has in the past.
During and after every successful diet in my past, I was sure I’d be disciplined enough to never regain the weight – and obviously that has never been the case.
There’s a lot of obesity in my ancestry – am I just meant to be fat? Am I beating fate for fleeting moments here and there – only to fall back to my true body size when nature takes it’s course – if that’s the case why am I beating myself up – shouldn’t I give in to a greater force? But I do feel like crap when I’m heavier – so that’s a deterrent.
So in summary, I have posed a lot of questions, questions born of insecurity. I sure could use some moral support from women who struggle with weight, are too smart for their own good and are too lazy to always do the right thing in the right way – so they seek shortcuts. In short, I don’t need help from saints who are diligent, eat healthy (i.e. all fresh foods, nothing processed and low salt, low fat – you get the drift) because I’m never gonna be that person!